inner happiness and infertility

There are few conditions more frustrating for a woman than being unable to have children.  Infertility causes fall under the two heads social and biological. Social reasons refer to singlehood - whether because of divorce, widowhood, or never being married - single women are unlikely to have children (particularly if they believe in chastity).  Biological causes are varied and include endometriosis, ovulation problems, inadequate cervical mucous, sperm allergy, uterine scar tissue and so on.  Or possibly it may be the husband who is physiologically unable to procreate, usually from a low motility/ability for the sperm to fertilize an egg. Whatever the reason the inability to have children is emotionally taxing. [image source]

For some dealing with infertility the suggestion that they can experience inner happiness may be met with some cynical sarcasm, a wall to mask the very real pain they are in. To those dear women (and men) I say that I am very sorry - and I know this pain myself.

The difficulty with inner happiness and infertility is that one of the foundations upon which inner happiness derives is, "from confidence that your life is in harmony with divine and self-defined values." If you value family life, motherhood, and raising children the inability to have children smacks square in the gut - how can that possibly be overcome? The following suggestions - rely on a higher power, allow yourself to grieve, and do well what you are able - are a place to start from.


First, begin by relying on a higher power.

I believe in God the Eternal Father, in His Son Jesus Christ and in the power of the Holy Ghost to speak to my spirit peace that comes from God. You may believe in karma, in the divinity of the Universe, in the good of humanity, in Buddha, in Krishna, in the Mother Earth. Whatever you believe in it is important to strengthen your relationship with your higher power. This can be done through prayer and meditation, service, attending meetings, or any other activity that actively involves the spiritual aspects of yourself. [image source]

Secondly, allow yourself to grieve.

Grieving is the process of reconstructing our personal world after it has crumbled. Make no mistake infertility crumbles your world, if not your present then your future.

Infertility comes with a roller coaster of emotions including helplessness, surprise, guilt, frustration, and anger. You may feel rage and hatred towards others who have children. The attack on your self-image can be brutal. Your sexuality may be extremely threatened, feelings that you aren't a woman can surface, you may wonder if there's any point to sexual relations with your spouse. [image source]

The loneliness and isolation surrounding infertility can swamp you. You may feel that the only person you can turn to is your spouse. On top of all of these feelings is the reality of lost children. Jayne Taylor, a social worker at Primary Children's Medical Center who has also done work with infertility groups, describes dealing with the loss of future children as, "a very difficult task because the loss is so vague. It is hard to define a potential. There are no funerals, no rituals to help the bereaved. It is an invisible process."

Those with infertility grieve.

Grieving is a personal experience. How grief manifests will be different for you than for others. And the stages you stay in, and how long you stay in them, are also variable and personal.

The grief cycle is roughly divided into two ideologies. The first is the relatively well known Kübler-Ross stages of grief. The second is the lesser-know categories of grief described by Dr. Roberta Temes.

The first is so named for Swiss doctor Elizabeth Kübler-Ross. She spent a lot of time caring for and comforting terminally ill patients. She wrote her observations of these experiences in her book, On Death and Dying. Included in the book is a cycle of emotional states oft-described as the grief cycle. These emotional states are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. The ups and downs of this cycle are shown in the following graph.

[graph courtesy Changing Minds.org]

The second grief model is delineated by Dr. Roberta Temes in the book, Living With An Empty Chair - a guide through grief. She describes grief in three broad stages:

1. Numbness (The mechanical functioning and social insulation behavior)
2. Disorganization (The intensely painful feelings of loss experience)
3. Reorganization (The re-entry into a more 'normal' social life behavior)

The value of this second model is that it takes some pressure off that your grief progress "correctly." Some unwitting persons may claim that you are in denial if you "skip ahead" to depression. They may assert that you haven't gone through "the right stages." Hogwash. The grieving cycles aren't like a step ladder where once you've stepped on denial you must step onto anger. It's more like finding yourself in a land of puddles. Some of the puddles may be deep, others shallow, some we may feel comfortable in and others we may clamber to be out of. Some people will go right on to the next puddle and others will walk around on the grass between bouts.

Whether you look at grief through the Kübler-Ross or Temes explanation it is possible to become stuck in the grieving process. Being stuck occurs when the same emotional experience is playing out day after day - a sort of nightmarish Groundhog Day. With the possible exception of shock we can be stuck in any stage. Returning to the above metaphor that means being stuck in a puddle, not walking about on the grass. Though walking about on the grass for too long may be a form of avoidance. Or possibly we may experience "cycling". This is a back and forth experience; again using the above metaphor, we hop around the puddles: now in denial, now in anger, now in acceptance, now back to anger, now bargaining, etcetera. In the process we don't allow ourselves to come to the crux of our thoughts and feelings and thus avoid acceptance. Avoiding acceptance is a way of staying near the puddles - not knowing what acceptance looks like, we balk at it and accuse it of being a scam. We may not like the puddles but they're preferable to figuring out what to do next. Cycling is just as detrimental to our inner peace and happiness as being stuck wallowing. If either persists for longer than three months you may want to seek professional help.

What both Dr. Kübler-Ross and Dr. Temes agree on is that grief must be experienced. If we hide from our grief now it will only come back later manifesting in outsized reactions that seem to have no impetus. Taylor attests that those with infertilty, "must realize and acknowledge that a loss of great magnitude has taken place and that to grieve is normal. Also, grief runs a predictable course, and the pain does lessen as time goes on." [image source]

Third, do well what you can do.

Years ago I read a book entitled, What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single, the author, John Bytheway, related marriage to playing a duet on the piano. Of course it is very difficult to play a duet if you are only one person. He suggests that what can be done is to learn your individual part in the duet very well. In relation to marriage this might mean dating regularly, learning effective communication, being the sort of person now you'd like to be married. The same thought might be applied to parenthood. You may care for the children of your friends and family. Reading parenting books, serve the children of your community, be the sort of person now you'd like to be as a parent. Applied specifically to infertility you can seek out qualified medical professionals, explore adoption choices, care for your emotional well-being.

Near the end of the book, Bytheway comes back to his piano metaphor and advises that after working on the duet music a while you choose to put it away and instead take out some solo pieces. Practice those. Find the nuances in that music and make it beautiful. [image source]

The part I remember most from that chapter is a quote from John K. Carmack, said he,

If I were single and had no prospects for marriage, after a reasonable time in one location and a careful weighing of my job opportunities, I would probably explore other possibilities that could open new vistas for friendships and growth. [While] marriage and family life would be my ultimate goal. . . I would be careful not to make it my central focus.

Author C. S. Lewis said that if you make good health one of your direct objectives, it is easy to become a health crank and also to imagine that there is something wrong with you. Good health, he advised, is more likely to be achieved and experienced if you want other, related things more. If, for example, you enjoy good, nourishing meals; games that provide regular exercise; work; and open air, good health is the likely by-product.

Similarly, you may enjoy life through work, friendships, travel, hobbies, [spiritual experiences], and further education.

. . .[Christ's] parable of the talents was a powerful injunction that energy should be invested in increasing the talents one has been given and in employing those gifts granted to all of us. Those who fearfully hid their talents and brooded over the risks involved, he cautioned, would reap a bitter harvest.

In a similar vein, I suggest that you look to what you can do and do that well. If you've read about Inner Happiness you're aware that performing well in the domestic sphere is only one aspect of Inner Happiness - and motherhood only a partial aspect of that sphere. Inner happiness is also derived from growing creatively, giving service, developing your character, and self-acceptance. A woman who is single may, as Carmack suggests, move to a new locale. A married woman may, in a similar vein, move from the sphere of the home to the sphere of the workplace. A couple may shift their focus from wanting a baby to seeking enriching experiences, doing together those things they had planned to do with their children. However, none of these shifts can peacefully occur if we haven't allowed our grief to take its course. The trick to Inner Happiness with Infertility is that it lies through grief. Not under, around, or over, but through. [image source]

Gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for sunshine.
2. I am grateful for cut flowers.
3. I am grateful for a caring husband.
4. I am grateful for caring friends.
5. I am grateful for those who have been there before me.
   

Bibliography and Further Reading:
Dealing with Infertility Problems By Jayne E. Taylor
Inner Happiness: an assignment by Miss Liss
Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle by Changing Minds.org
Stages by Cancer Survivors.org
To My Single Friends by Elder John K. Carmack
Three Stages of Grief by Nancy Weitzman
What I Wish I'd Known When I Was Single by John Bytheway