letting go of financial worry

 [image courtesy Coexistence student artwork gallery]

Finances are a tricky subject. Sufficiently so that Helen Andelin devotes two chapters ["The Provider" chapter 10 & "Family Finances" chapter 11, Fascinating Womanhood 2007] to dealing with financial issues.

What is the creation of money problems in a marriage? Quite simply they stem from the insecurity of one or more of the spouses. The issue from the viewpoint of Mrs. Andelin is that a woman is not equipped to handle the stress and worry of finances. Before you get your hackles raised let me explain why: The "fascinating woman" is not the provider. For any number of reasons she does not go out and "bring home the bacon" so how is worrying going to help her?

Note: As Mary pointed out in her comment below some couples do not fight over finances and are comfortable with having the husband bring home the bacon but then letting the wife be the one who "cooks it up."  I'm a big fan of the adage "If it's not broke don't fix it." Reading her comment it's clear that Mary has a system that works already in place. If, like her, you don't have that issue I would encourage you to continue with what works. And now back to the post . . .


Enter the "letting go completely" philosophy. The responsibily of handling the finances you hand over to your husband, completely. That means that you don't worry about it. You don't open the bills. You don't pay them. You don't make the phone calls for them. He has to handle it. As he succeeds apply the principle of admiration (as it relates to the the masculine roles look at the this post & this one for more information). If he fails say nothing. He's "a big boy" he can take care of it.

The man I married was comfortable with finances. After we were married not so much. I had been my Father's book-keeper for years (he's self-employed). I knew that I knew how to handle things so when things were tight I would sail in to "save" us. We had meeting after meeting and discussion after discussion. I put together numerous budgets. Nothing worked. Checks bounced. Budgets weren't kept too. Money came in and seemed to slip through our fingers.

I read and re-read the chapters on finaces of Fascinating Womanhood. I did what Mrs. Andelin suggests I turned the financial management over to my husband. I was certain he would mess up. I was certain he would be a slacker and get on my case for not "contributing." I was certain he would need my help.

I was wrong. Oh, he messed up and got on my case and we had several more fights. I took back control a few times and it was unpleasant every time. I re-read again what Mrs. Andelin writes about finances and being a female counselor, and what she said was that you had to completely let go. Don't think about it. Don't do anything about it. Let him face the consequences himself. I latched onto these words, "What if he makes a mess of things, gets behind in the house payments, doesn't pay the bills . . . You don't what the job back, but what can you do?" Mrs. Andelin continues, "Let go more completely and turn your back on things . . . If he makes a mess of things, let him suffer the consequences, no matter what they are. This is the only way he will learn."

At last I did just that. I let go completely. I made simple requests for food, raiment and shelter. I didn't open the bills. I didn't answer the phone calls or write letters to creditors. For us there was a bumpy four months. I was not allowed to bring up the subject of finances for the first three months. There were days I was on tenter hooks about it and I played the "Do I have enough?" game. Which is where I asked myself if I had enough money for the next month/week/day/hour/five minutes. Invariably I found that in the immediate future I was indeed fine.

Other mantras of mine were, "You're such a good provider" and "Thank you for handling our finances, things are going so well." My husband called my bluff on a regular basis and I would have to stretch my brain to come up with reasons to back my statements - amazingly I could always find at least three facts that supported my statements.

The fourth month after completely letting go I found an error in my husband's math. He was livid! With himself though he lashed out at me. I said nothing and finally, really, truly and completely let go. I didn't offer to fix it. I didn't even stay in the room, I went to another room and read a book. I let him deal with it.  Two months later everything was under control. Additionally my husband blossomed. He could calmly discuss finances. He was decisive. He had located a good job that he enjoyed and excelled at. He allowed me more spending money than I had been allotted at any previous time in our marriage. He made budgets and stuck to them. He paid bills on time, and he paid off debts. He was confident. He was generous. He was competent and capable. In short he became quite masculine - and he became a good provider and an excellent handler of the finances. It has continued to get better. Let go completely, what have you got to lose?

[image courtesy Clarke's Gifts Galore]

Gratitudes:
1. I am grateful my husband is such a good provider. Seriously.
2. I am grateful there is no debtor's prison in America.
3. I am grateful that I've learned to choose not to buy things instead of saying that I can't afford it (i.e. In a store, say Anthropologie, and there's a pair of pants I want, though I know that it wouldn't be financially wise to get them. I pick them up, I hold them, I may even try them on and then I say to myself I am choosing not to purchase these.)
4. I am grateful I have friends who will come over for dinner even on short notice.
5. I am grateful the principles of Fascinating Womanhood work.