using the Fascinating Womanhood philosophy

When Helen Andelin was a young bride she had marital troubles.  It seemed to her that society was confused about what a woman's role ought or could be. This confusion was damaging her marriage and led her to seek out marital information. Once her own marriage was again happy she decided that the information she had ought to be made available to every woman, thus the Fascinating Womanhood philosophy was born, and a book of the same name written.

Wanting a Happy Marriage
The premise of Fascinating Womanhood is that there is a strong desire among women to have happy marriages; to feel that they are adored, cherished and deeply loved by their husbands; but that how to create such a marriage is a skill set that is not taught. These skills are outlined in the book under two general categories which Andelin divided into Angelic and Human. Angelic qualities are more about character and human qualities are more about femininity. In a nutshell, a woman's human qualities will attract a man and the angelic qualities will ensure that he is happy to stay.

As You Change, He'll Change
For me the best thing about these skills and principles was that it wasn't necessary for my husband to be aware that he was working on anything. However, this is precisely what irks most women about the philosophy; they feel that he ought to change, that she has done nothing wrong, and continues to do nothing wrong; or if wrong is justified by what he does or does not do. I agree that he ought to change. If a marriage is going to be a happy one he will have to change. But what if by changing her behavior she could induce his to follow? Since I can only change myself finding Fascinating Womanhood was such a load off my shoulders. No longer did I need to change him, which wasn't working anyway.

Eventually You Move On
Perhaps because Andelin covers so many topics in her book--being a domestic goddess, developing a worthy character, respecting masculine pride, the feminine appearance & manner, family finances, standing up for yourself--it is easy to forget that this book is about succeeding in marriage. It is not a book to cover all facets of one's life but to cover all facets of one's marriage. For many women this will be the primary focus of life; it won't be all. A happy woman has friends besides her husband. She has interests beyond sheltering her family. A happy woman will develop skills and abilities that are important to her. We may be inclined to censure a woman who sews for her family, or leads in the PTA, or mostly sings lullabies. We may be inclined to say that she is diminished and demeaned but why? If it is fulfilling to her, how does it hurt us? Of course there is a flip side and there are those who will censure a woman who sews couture, or leads in the city council, or mostly sings operas. We may be inclined to say that she is damaging society and going beyond her "womanly" roles. If her marriage is happy, how does it hurt us?

Fascinating Womanhood is about creating a happy marriage. If a marriage is in dire straits it may demand concentrated focus for a while. Even a long while. Eventually the skills necessary for a happy marriage will become habit and your concentrated focus will be free to work on something else --whether personal, familial, or global--knowing that should something marital go awry you have the skills necessary to set it right.

For more information on the philosophy of Fascinating Womanhood you may read posts "Angela Human" and "How to Get a Man". To begin learning the skills of Fascinating Womanhood check out the Assignments posts.

Gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for a warm bowl of oatmeal on a chilly morning.
2. I am grateful for Christmas movies.
3. I am grateful for sister's phone calls.
4. I am grateful for youtube.
5. I am grateful the hot water pressure in the shower is fixed.

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links I've loved

Some moments from my November web wanderings:

New York to California by Mat Kearney - I've been in a romantic mood the last six weeks or so. Keep having dreams that could be the jumping off point for a romantic comedy storyline and Mat Kearney's vocals could be the soundtrack. His sincerity keeps his songs from sounding trite. This song opens with a moment that could be from my own life:

Under the TV lights, you fell asleep again. . .
You woke up and said baby I, had one of those dreams again
The rain came down and I lost you, In the wind
You said something about don't leave, before you fell back asleep

Kearney's continuing sentiment is perfect for late-night dancing in the kitchen. Mmm.

The Letters Page - Brocante Home posting of letters in old women's magazine. Show much has changed and yet stayed the same. My favorite from R.C. talks about how she is getting so much work done since the television busted.

Magical Thinking - Jar of the cute sayings of children, by Inchmark. For those who prefer alternate modes of journaling.

A Proposal Story - Danni of oh, hello friend is now engaged, which means she crossed another thing off her 101 in 1001 list. This proposal was definitely blog-worthy involving a "spur of the moment" trip to Danni's favorite city, "stalker" photographers, and a handmade ring. Perhaps Nick figured a girl who'll put in hours and hours on love notes (here and here) deserves some effort in being proposed to. Or maybe he's just romantic like that. You'll have to ask Danni.

Make Your Marriage a Priority and Your Kids Will Benefit - Corey from Simple Marriage wrote this guest post on Zen Family Habits blog. Like most posts on this blog (or the sister site Zen Habits) it includes a list of possible actions. My favorite is #3 Do things as a family, but for your marriage; though the most helpful for me might be #5 Give up the tv (or joint laptop time).

got my skate on... and miscellaneous - The portion of this post that interested me is in the miscellaneous section - pictures of headbands made for Blythe dolls (none of those pictures allowed posting on separate post though, so this picture doesn't have a headband). Apparently there's a large subculture of women who purchase dolls and endlessly dress and undress them, and using them in photo shoots. There's nearly 200,000 pictures of these dolls to be found on flickr. I looked at only a few thousand, these were among the best: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 & 6 [Image "Little Sneaker" by axelsrose]

Lastly this beautiful image: "Her Curly Hair and my Fatherly Instinct" by Carlo Nicora. His Street Photography set is striking.

Gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for November sunshine.
2. I am grateful for the women's suffrage movement.
3. I am grateful for the knowledge & ability to make my own food.
4. I am grateful for The Book of Mormon.
5. I am grateful for the Emancipation Proclamation.
   

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parenting philosophies

Recently I've thought a lot on the why of having children and by extension the why of parenting. The viewpoint expressed by Helen Andelin in Fascinating Womanhood deals more with the day-to-day than an overall philosophy:

"The feminine woman", writes Andelin, "is moved by an instinctive concern for [her children's] physical welfare, she sees that they are properly fed, bathed, and free of danger. She would  never allow them to go hungry, cold, or unprotected, if within her power to prevent it. She takes pride in their appearance by keeping them clean, well-groomed, and attractively dressed. She is gentle, loving, and understanding. She teaches them how to be happy, and gives them praise and encouragement." [Ch. 17 "The Domestic Goddess", pp. 258-259][image "Focusing on the Important Things in Life" by Carlo Nicora]

Most individuals desire to be good parents; how they define good parenting is varied. On the blog, A Wise Woman Builds Her Home, the author affirms that her purpose in parenting is to "[raise her] children to be warriors for God's kingdom, to know how to face the battle and to stand strong for God." Simple Marriage author, Corey Allan, writes, "After your kids are grown and out of school, ask yourself this: are they taxpayers? . . If you can answer this with a yes, you did a great job." In 100 Promises to My Baby, Mallika Chopra identifies two parenting choices; the first, that she desires to give her children a childhood "filled with wonder, magic, adventure, and mystery"; secondly, she hopes to teach her children "love, respect, honor, and acceptance [in an effort to create] a safer, more secure, and more nurturing world" [pp. xvi - xvii]. Like others, these determinations likely were influenced by the choices of her parents. Mallika's father, Deepak Chopra, writes that as his children were growing he felt the most important thing he could do for them was "to give them the self-esteem, self-assurance, and security that comes from a direct experience of the essence of one's soul." [pp. x]

Continue Reading . . .

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dear readers: agreeing in principle disagreeing in practice

There are some aspects of marriage I don't have the answers for, and it seems, neither does Mrs. Andelin - the author of Fascinating Womanhood. I've decided to occasionally ask these questions of you, the readers.

Dear Readers,

What should a woman do when, in compromise between husband and wife, a husband agrees to x thing but then when x thing occurs becomes upset. On the woman's side this is a "but you promised" situation, on the man's side it is a "yes, but that was before" situation.

For example, suppose Jerry asks his wife, Nancy, if it's okay for him to go on an optional business conference. In the course of making the decision Jerry agrees that Nancy may go to a retreat she wants to attend later in the year. As the time approaches to finalize plans for Nancy's trip another business conference comes up. Jerry would love to go, it's an amazing chance for his career, much better than the business conference he went to earlier in the year. Unfortunately, they can only pay for one of the trips. Now Nancy is torn because if she allows Jerry to go to this business conference she will be resentful. On the other hand, Jerry is very upset about not going to this business conference which is making life unpleasant for Nancy - and may continue to do so once she returns.

Keeping in mind that Nancy really wants both her and Jerry to be pleased, what should Nancy do?

Thank you readers, male or female, for your comments.

Regards,

~ Miss Liss

Disclaimer: this example is a piece of fiction, a hypothetical example.

Gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for my readers.
2. I am grateful for the colors of fall - here in my temperate climate.
3. I am grateful for crunchy leaves.
4. I am grateful my husband will run errands for me.
5. I am grateful for hugs.

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when my husband is wrong

 ["Couple Fighting Love" by hyperscholar]

My husband is NOT always, or even usually, wrong. Mostly he is just different than me. Figuring out this distinction took some time but we've worked it out on most things; I've learned "his" way to put in the toilet paper roll and squeeze the toothpaste; he arranges the sheets/bedding/lights/blinds "my" way.

However, every once in a while, my husband is wrong. The vast majority of us in relationships are going to occasionally come up against this dilemma: I'm right and he's wrong. [As we will also come across the reverse "I'm wrong and he's right" but this post isn't about that one.]

Perhaps he forgot something important. Or said he'd do something and didn't. Maybe he took out stress with other things on me. In such cases, I'm right to feel hurt. I'm right that he "should've . . ." or "could've. . ." I'm right that what he did was mean or inconsiderate. I'm right and he's wrong. Some of these times that I'm right and he's wrong I'm not in the mood to respond in a childlike way. I want to lay into him, make him hurt as much as me and then hurt him a wee bit more. Even though I know that is wrong. I'll regret it later. Even though I know it's petulant. It is still what I want.

What to do when in that situation? It boils down to a simple phrase: choose to be right or choose to be happy. The first time I heard that concept I scoffed - then mulled it over and decided it made sense. The first two hundred times I tried to implement the concept I caught myself in an outraged feedback loop: "but I'm right! What does this mean, no consequences? There have to be consequences. The consequence is that I'm upset. He needs to know it. Gosh darn it! I'm justified; I'm right!" I just could not see myself choosing happiness without there being a strong undercurrent of resentment.

At last, on the two-hundredth-and-first try I managed to choose to be happy instead of choosing to be right. I called a time-out and went and read a favorite magazine. For several days I politely avoided my husband to instead do things I enjoy. My husband is a smart man; he noticed that I had stopped yelling and smashing things and decided he wouldn't jinx anything by interfering with the new operations. All this time that feedback loop in my brain was quietly seething: "but I'm right! I'm right! *bad words, bad words* I'm right!" After a few days I sat down with my husband, I calmly looked him in the eye and I told him how hurt I felt by his actions and why they hurt me. Instead of yelling, my voice near-quivered and the hurt poured out. How unloved and insignificant I felt. How it brought up completely unrelated insecurities (Am I unattractive to him? Am I boring? Does my new shampoo leave an unpleasant odor?). What did my husband do? He wrapped his wonderful arms around me and listened and cared. It was heaven.

Three days later he had done the same wrong something-or-other.

Continue Reading . . .

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links I've loved

September I was on the internet less than during the summer. Still, I came across interesting whatnots.

We Will Not Grow Old by Lenka - I became a fan of Anthropologie on Facebook. There on the sidebar is music. What luck! Little Toy Gun by honeyhoney is darkly amusing [the video more dark than amusing, but what can you expect when Jack Bauer makes a cameo?]. The video above is We Will Not Grow Old by Lenka, my other favorite by Lenka is Anything I'm Not. [oh, and by the way, for some music videos that incorporate paper craft check out I Don't Know and Lille by Lisa Hannigan.]

Seven Spoons - If I subscribed to only one food blog, this would be it. Gorgeous photography, a story behind each recipe, yummy food. The recent gnocchi escapade (part 1; part 2) means I've earmarked two recipes to try in the ensuing weeks.

At the River - Note to husband: Let's show these to Annaliese before we have our next portraits done; as inspiration; what do you think? Me thinks beautiful.

Dosha Quiz - One of the most useful self-diagnostic tools; this quiz forumlated by the [Deepak] Chopra Center asks questions relating to each dosha (the make-up of all beings according to Ayurveda, the ancient Indian health philosophy). Discover your Dosha and discover how to balance yourself.

Pillow Talk - Jia from Color Me Untypical has some of the most amusing between husband and wife conversations. This one centers on what to do about her itching mosquito bite - that's where it starts anyway. Brighten up your day with more interchanges here and here.

Continue Reading . . .

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accept him & he'll adore you & reform

I was watching The Music Man the other day. And I noticed a Fascinating Womanhood principle in action. Librarian, Marian, accepts swindler Harold Hill at face value and voila! he adores her and he reforms. It occurred to me that this same principle is demonstrated in other movies too, like in Guys and Dolls where lead gambler, Sky Masterson, seduces strait-lace Sarah Brown, falls in love with her and decides to give up gambling and support her in her cause to reform the nation. Or in Oklahoma! when Curly volunteers to give up ranching for farming. Or in Walk the Line when Johnny Cash gives up drugs for June Carter. 'Course she refuses to be with him unless he does . . . well then I suppose if your life is a musical it will work. Though Sky Masterson does gamble in order to support the reform the nation cause.

. . . well, he'll adore you then. So if you're accepting him to change him, just let that go. Accept him because you love him and he's yours.

Gratitudes:

1. I am grateful for musicals.
2. I am grateful for Matt & Kathryn - such great friends.
3. I am grateful for Jody and Gary - some newer great friends.
4. I am grateful for email, and for Mary's email in particular.
5. I am grateful for my comfy pillow; and that my husband is amused when I say, "I'll be there in a minute, I'm just bonding with my pillow."
   

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blog changes

There have been a two changes to the blog over the last week.

1. new blog template - the other one was just too messy looking. I hope you'll agree that this new template is cleaner.

2. continue reading link - you'll notice that longer posts now have a continue reading link embedded. I've done this so that those of you not interested in scrolling through long posts won't have to suffer from my verbose tendancies.

Hope you like them.
~Miss Liss

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